I was watching an episode of "Is she really going out with him", one of those reality shows where they show the relationship of a girl and a shmuck playboy type, and at the end the girl decides if she's going to stay with the shmuck or not. It was the third time I saw this show and as I watched the guy being a total jerk and treating the girl like so much trash, I actually said to the girl on the television, "Have you lost your mind!?" Hence the acronym HYLYM.
So after seeing this episode, and thinking about the premise along with being witness to real HYLYM situations, I decided to ask you guys what's up with this?
Why would a girl not see that a guy is being a cheating, disrespectful shmuck to her when everyone else not only sees it, but tells her so? Is there a gene involved or is it upbringing that makes her susceptible to the HYLYM factor?
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I've seen this show too, and find myself yelling at the woman on the screen to wake up. Wouldn't being alone be a thousand times better than being with a guy that treats you like dirt? Some of them seem so convinced that these men have potential and can change. If there is a diagnosis call optimistic to the point of delusional then maybe that's why. Otherwise I guess it's poor self esteem but that sounds like a cliched reason.
ReplyDeleteDude. Bobby. I wish I knew. I've been that girl but not for long. I get rid of the idiot pretty quick. But I have been there and I've seen lots of girls go there. Some people are addicted to the drama, and love feeling that they've been wronged. They're always the victim. There is something about knowing that you're always the better half which could be rewarding to someone without a lot of guts, confidence or ambition.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what is wrong with women who put up with that but there is something wrong with our concept of love in our culture. Supposedly love is about putting up with crap. These girls are just taking that to an extreme.
Which is why you oughta love yourself FIRST AND FOREMOST.
But here I am, preaching to the choir.
Ah, okay. This question seems different now in this context than it did at Quirkyalone! I'm glad you weren't asking because one of your own friends is in this situation!
ReplyDeleteI think Lisa gave a great answer over there about the sociocultural and political reasons that women stay with jerks--couples are well-rewarded in America, while singles are, uh, singled out.
Other reasons why a woman might tolerate a schmuck include:
1. The schmuck gives her something she needs and thinks she can't get from anyone else like passion or emotional intimacy or attention/admiration. (Schmucks can be very good at turning that stuff on when necessary.)
2. She doesn't know men should treat her any differently.
3. She rationalizes the bad behavior because it's too painful to see it for what it is and deal with the consequences.
4. The schmuck is a very good liar and manipulator and has somehow pulled the wool over her eyes. (Also not that uncommon.)
5. She has some issues herself and gets off on the drama, co-dependence, or other unhealthy aspects of the relationship.
Research consistently shows that genetics and the environment are about equally to blame for just about everything under the sun. It's my own opinion, though, that women (and men) with certain kinds of traumatic childhood experiences are more susceptible to abusive relationships in adulthood. And then the more abusive relationships you experience, the more you tend to think it's normal. However, it's also worth mentioning that really crafty individuals can hook in even a relatively healthy person for awhile because most people tend to think the best of those they love and try to be as forgiving and compromising as possible, and some schmucks take advantage of this big time.
@Tina-I guess we both had the same reaction to yell at the television, huh? I think low self esteem must play some part in these situations, cliche or not, I agree.
ReplyDelete@Singlutionary-I'm glad that you caught yourself early on. I think your explanation points to the low self esteem also, like Tina has. I also believe that there is something wrong with the concept of love and relationships in many of our minds. Time to go back to the basics. One great way to do that is just like you said, "Which is why you oughta love yourself FIRST AND FOREMOST." 3 cheers!
@Elsie-I haven't read the quirkyalone article, but I'm happy also that I'm not talking about someone that I know. I'm going to have to read Lisa's answer though, it sounds like I need to.
You know Elsie, I think all 5 of your reasons seem to relate to self esteem in one form or another. It seems to be a theme within this discussion.
"Research consistently shows that genetics and the environment are about equally to blame for just about everything under the sun. It's my own opinion, though, that women (and men) with certain kinds of traumatic childhood experiences are more susceptible to abusive relationships in adulthood. And then the more abusive relationships you experience, the more you tend to think it's normal. However, it's also worth mentioning that really crafty individuals can hook in even a relatively healthy person for awhile because most people tend to think the best of those they love and try to be as forgiving and compromising as possible, and some schmucks take advantage of this big time."
Dead on!!
Thanks guys :)
I think the stayed with him because she wanted to be on TV as long as possible.
ReplyDeleteChristina
hahaha Christina, so true! Where would reality shows be if the participants gave in so quickly?
ReplyDeletewhen being so called " inlove", stupidity comes in . where one cant think straight and know the difference between right and wrong, too much or less. oftenly , the wrong justified as right and considered as part of the relationship. a girl being in that situation is shelled to a relationship that she think she is doing the right thing and experiences temporary happines. there is too much patience and unconditional love that she gives to that guy.but as soon as she realizes her mistakes and breaks out that shell, she becomes a better person, strong and a much wiser one. sadly , in some cases, they never wake up and just accept and live with it.
ReplyDeleteVV, I believe you have a valid point and something to think about, thank you :)
ReplyDelete