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Sunday, May 3, 2009

The diagnosis of relationships

Over the course of my blogging, moderating and membership to many dating/pen pal sites, I've come across a theme, a structure that keeps seeping it's way into the advice I give to others. It seems that all the problems, or at least a good portion of problems that couples have, are not new in the scheme of relationships. I'd like to try and expand and refine one of the consistent ideas that I've said in reply to comments and advice given. If you've read my blog for any length of time, this will sound familiar to you, and hopefully, make some sense.

Before looking for a serious relationship, take a moment to think about what I'm saying here in this tenant. It may just solve some heartache before it ever has a chance to happen.

The tenants of relationships

1. Know who you are and what you want for yourself

2. Know who they are and what they want for themselves

3. Communicate openly and honestly with each other.

Know who you are and what you want for yourself.
This one should be the easiest because who knows us better than ourselves? If we are not sure who we are, then it's time for some soul searching. What we want can change over time, but being honest with ourselves should keep this somewhat simple to recognize.

Know who they are and what they want for themselves
We are not mind readers and can only hope that the other person knows themselves and what they want. More importantly, that they communicate that with us openly and honestly. Time is the key element here and most times we have plenty of it, so take your time in finding out who that person is and if they are what we are looking for.

Communicate openly and honestly with each other.
If both people do this, then wasted time will be cut down to a minimum. Unfortunately, in a world full of players, liars and phonies, we don't always have this benefit. I can only say see number 1 above and take your time.

Communication and honesty are so important to relationships that they both need to be defined, expanded and sincerely evaluated in each of us. I'll hopefully be dealing with these two shortly.



  1. I think that the majority of women I know that are unhappy in their relationships violate the first tenant that you list. It's easy to let what everyone else wants for you, get in the way of knowing what you want for yourself.

    I also know a lot of women who get side-tracked by acting on what they want for the short term and losing site of what they ultimately want. For example, I know many women that ultimately want to be married, but short term they don't want to be alone. They date or even live with men who will never marry them because of the stigma of being alone, but obviously you can't meet a future husband when you're living with someone. I guess sometimes we're our own worst enemies when it comes to evaluating what we want most.

  2. Excellent example Tina. That's exactly what I'm talking about here. I tend to think that the first part would be the easier one, knowing oneself and what we want.

    Thanks for the input!

  3. I am a pretty independent self directed woman and I still don't have number 1 down. But at least I make it a priority now and I know the general direction that I'm headed.

    But still, I don't feel ready for a relationship. But I think I'm still burned out from the last debacle.

  4. It's good to hear that you're heading in that direction Singlutionary! I don't think I'm quite ready yet either for a relationship, but I have number 1 about 90% complete :)

  5. Great words of wisdom here Bobby- I believe for myself? # 1 is like a light house- when I take my sights off that at any given time in a relationship? I find unfulfilled expectations...let downs...disappointments...and suddenly I am lost.
    Number 1 can never truly be complete- being we are always evolving until we are no longer here:)

  6. Seems you already have good insight to number one Amy :) Keep your eye on the ball!

    The evolving lighthouse-I like it ;)

  7. It all SOUNDS so simple when you spell it out :-)

  8. hahaha Simone, it certainly does, but we all know the reality, don't we? ;)

    Great to hear from you!

  9. Happiness in a relationship really does boil down to those three principles, doesn't it?

    I think sometimes we have trouble with 1. and 2. because a lot of people lack self-awareness, and sometimes relationships bring out sides of ourselves that we didn't even know we had. For instance, you may not realize how important it is to you to have a partner who is x, y, or z until you're not getting x, y, or z. In that way, relationships really can be learning experiences.

  10. Exactly Elsie, I think we need to take the time to find out our wants and desires. Yes, this will also come with experience, but the basics, as we feel they are accurate and well thought out, should be there.


Thanks so much for your comment and input! :)

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