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Friday, January 18, 2008


Another one of my pictures in Thailand.

There are many books, blogs, magazines, advice columns and even movies about dating. One would think that the with all this wealth of information out there, dating would be a science already. Maybe it is and I just haven't found it? Seems to me that there is more information out there than there ever was before!

Now having said this, you may think that I'm writing about being intimidated by all this information, right? Well no, but it kind of ties into what I am writing about which is about dating intimidation.

As a guy, I can't really give a good perspective from a lady's point of view, although I have been told some perspectives from ladies. Irregardless, I'll stick to a guys perspective here.

There are many different ways that a guy has to try and strike up a conversation with a lady and most of you ladies have probably heard them all. Some of these "Strike up" lines are mild and acceptable to a lady whereas some have gotten a guys face slapped. At least these guys make an effort to talk to a lady, albeit sometimes more cooth is needed. But, isn't the point to try and get a conversation going with the lady?

I saw a show on HBO I believe called something like, "What woman want." It followed different woman around in their quest in the dating world. There was actually a lot to be learned from the show about a woman's perspective, but the theme seemed to be about communication. This theme jives with a talk show I saw where a group of ladies discussed what was the most important thing a guy can do? The ladies all agreed that they want the guy to talk to them, approach them. This only makes sense to me, but here goes that word again-intimidation!

Guys can be intimidated for a variety of reasons. They may have seen a group of ladies start laughing at them as they were turned down and walked away. They may not feel comfortable talking to a lady while she has a few of her friends with her. Or maybe they are a bit shy to begin with. I have seen all of these circumstances on a number of occasions.

So really my point is that most guys are intimidated to approach a lady they may be interested in. My questions are:

Why shouldn't a guy feel intimidated to approach a lady?
What way does a woman feel best about how to be approached?

Thanks in advance for any wisdom shared here with me and let's hope we can all move closer to figuring out the "Science of dating."

Love takes up where knowledge leaves off.
Saint Thomas Aquinas


  1. I'll take a stab at your questions.

    Why shouldn't a guy feel intimidated to approach a lady?

    Honestly, I think it's natural for a guy to feel shy about approaching a woman, just as, if the tables were turned, it would be natural for a woman to feel somewhat uncomfortable about approaching a guy. Gender isn't the issue. Opening a conversation with a stranger who doesn't know you from Adam (or Eve) and laying your dignity on the line to do so is. The initiator is in a position of vulnerability because the playing field isn't even; his or her overture is an admission of attraction while the feelings of the potential rejector are as yet unknown, which puts the latter in a position of power. That's a tough role for the initiator to be in, no matter what.

    What way does a woman feel best about how to be approached?

    I'm sure there's no universal "right way" to approach a woman, but as for me and my friends, we're most receptive to men who are polite and pleasant and don't seem like they're a)trying too hard, b)full of themselves, or c)expecting sex. I would suggest that men avoid pick-up lines or other attempts to wow with their wit and go for the straightforward approach: "Hi, I'm ______. Can I buy you a drink?" This gives the woman the opportunity to accept if she's interested or gracefully bow out without embarrassment on either side. At worst, if the girl isn't into it, an approach like this usually won't elicit a barb or harsh rejection in the way that a double entendre or other display of overconfidence might if the woman feels it's presumptuous and disrespectful.

    Now this doesn't mean that you'll automatically get her number at the end of the night. That will depend on how your conversation progresses. But at least you'll be able to get your foot in the door!

  2. Thanks for clarifying some things Elsie. I do think it's natural for either a lady or gent to be a bit intimidated to approach the opposite sex (or same in some cases).

    I have been saying to people for many years that gender SHOULDN'T be an issue, but in most societies it still is. The man is supposed to approach the woman. I have told some ladies in the past that it is a shame that they felt they couldn't initiate a conversation with a guy or buy him a drink because of their beliefs. They may be missing out on the best relationship of their lives.

    "Hi, I'm ______. Can I buy you a drink?"
    This seems to be the more common answer I get when I ask this question. And the reasons you site for it are bang on!

    Thanks for your comment Elsie!


Thanks so much for your comment and input! :)

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